THE WITCHER EP. 1 REVIEW: "WE DON'T WANT YOUR KIND HERE WITCHER" [SPOILERS]

Directed by ALIK SAKHAROV

Starring HENRY CAVILL, FREYA ALLAN, JODHI MAY, LARS MIKKELSON, 

and EMMA APPLETON

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Hello there! After two and a half year hiatus, I'm so glad to be back. A lot has happened since the summer of 2017. I finished grad school, had a second baby, and my father passed away. Needless to say, 2018 was difficult. Shortly after I posted my most recent post in June 2017, my father had a massive stroke that paralyzed him.

My father was my movie partner. The last film we saw together was 'Dunkirk.'  I couldn't bring myself to set foot in a theater without him. When he died in early 2018 I was devastated. I had no appetite to watch movies or television for quite some time, so this blog went by the wayside.

I'm so happy to say that I've returned to the movies and I'm glad to be here. I hope to visit some of my favorite blogs and catch up! Now on to the fun stuff.

TODAY ISN'T YOUR DAY, IS IT? 

Geralt, the Witcher [to a wounded deer]

'The Witcher' starts with a twinge of mystery, but we've seen this all before. The Witcher's world is a dreary reflection of other fantasy series' before it, like 'Game of Thrones.' 'Merlin,' and 'Highlander.' I know the book series is from the 1990’s and pre-dates the fantasy tv series I referenced, but there have been numerous non-human monster hunters in fantasy, even some who have been trained from a young age, Vampire Hunter D, Hellboy, Forgotten Realms books, Solomon Kane, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Dark Angel. That doesn’t sound unique to me. 

Please note, I’m referring exclusively to the Netflix adaptation of the books and video game. The Netflix series took a lot of queues from other fantasy entertainment. The first episode feels like a BBC period piece, rather than a high-end fantasy series. The special effects, set design, and costuming are all somewhat boring. The first episode unravels rather slowly but thankfully picks up toward the end. I just finished Episode 2: Four Marks and I'm happy to report it GETS BETTER.

The main problem with the first episode is that it's formulaic. We know where the writers are going before they do it. All the fantasy archetypes are present and accounted for:

--The rouge anti-hero the Witcher/Geralt of Rivia;
--The strong-willed yet naive princess Ciri;
--The regal warrior Queen Calanthe who quickly dies in a battle we know nothing about;
--Renfri the mysterious woman bent on revenge;
--The sorcerer Stregobor with bad intentions.

YOU DON'T SCARE ME.

Marilka [to the Witcher]

THAT'S TOO BAD.

The Witcher [to Marilka]

The Witcher Geralt of Rivia (Henry Cavill) is a hired assassin who kills monsters. After killing a spider-like thing he wanders into the unfriendly town of Blaviken looking for the alderman who hired him. His first stop is the local tavern-- yep, a tavern. Like I said, you've seen this before. The locals are menacing and attempt to fight him...of course. The witcher isn't scared. Refri (Emma Appleton) understands what the viewers do, that the Witcher is itching for a fight. She tells the locals to back down. Queue meet-cute scene with a heavy dose of sexual tension.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE CURSE OF THE BLACK SUN?

Stregobor [to the Witcher]

HMMM, IT DOESN'T EVEN RHYME. ALL GOOD PREDICTIONS RHYME.

The Witcher [to Stregobor]

The Witcher doesn't get his bounty because he killed the wrong creature, which is really a ruse to bring him to Stregobor (Lars Mikkelsen). Stregobor tries to hire him to kill Refri, the same girl he met in the tavern. Renfri is a banished princess (who is immune to magic). Stregobor sent his men to rape and kill her, from which she was escaped. Stregobor believes she is cursed and will bring about their deaths because she was born during an eclipse (the Black Sun).

The Witcher refuses him, he retreats to the forest and predictably has sex with Renfi. He returns to town to help Renfi get revenge but has to kill her because she's so bloodthirsty. Yeah, couldn't they give us more to work with here?

YOU WON YOUR FIRST BATTLE IN HOCHEBUX WHEN YOU WERE MY AGE. I'VE HEARD THE BALLAD.

Ciri [to Queen Calanthe]

PRETTY BALLADS HAVE BASTARD TRUTHS.

[King Consort Eist to Ciri]

In another storyline, the fair city of Cintra is suddenly under attack by Nilfgaardians for some unexplained reason. Queen Calanthe (Jodhi May) and King Consort Eist (Björn Hlynur Haraldsson) host a medieval feast before the storm. For some insane reason, 44-year-old Jodhi May is the grandmother of 18-year-old Ciri (Freya Allan). Yes, a 44-year-old can certainly be the mother of an 18-year-old, but grandmother? Admittedly, I'm a late bloomer.

Queen Calanthe sends Ciri away when the castle falls. Ciri is briefly captured by the mysterious dark knight (Eamon Farren). Thankfully Ciri has some sort of Black Canary supersonic scream going on and escapes. She heads off to the woods and that's the last we see of her in this episode.

GO ON YOUR OWN OR THE END OF A ROPE. YOUR CHOICE.

Nohorn [to the Witcher]

Before the 'Justice League' film, I thought Cavill was a dull humorless actor. He finally showed his chops in the 'Justice League' film (bad movie/good actors) by capturing the duality of Superman and Clark Kent. This makes me sad because Cavill and Ben Affleck (Batman) were forced to hang up their tights. We don't know who the next Superman will be, but Robert Pattinson has been cast as a young Dark Knight in the next 'Batman' reboot. Ugh, why, just why? I digress.

I would have been reluctant to say this a few years ago, but Cavill is the best thing in 'The Witcher.' He does some good voice work with the character, capturing the Witcher's cadence and tone. Cavill deserved a better episode to sink his teeth into. I should also note that Cavill's physicality (and physique...ahem) shine here. Cavill has some nice swordplay as the Witcher fights his way through Renfri's men. As I write this review, I'm already halfway through the second episode and I am happy to say that the series has improved. I plan to keep watching...and reviewing lol.

** TWO AND A HALF STARS.

I hope you've enjoyed my review. I would love to hear your thoughts on the first episode and if you have enjoyed the series overall? There have been mixed reviews.

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